Dear ISIS (aka Daesh, ISIL, IS…),

I am so glad to see that you brave fighters have taken it upon yourselves to murder innocent women, men and children in various attacks around the world. Isn’t it wonderful that you have access to great weapons of death, such as the Kalashnikov rifles?

And backup suicide vests, that is such a clever plan! Although it means that you brave fighters won’t live to perpetrate future mass murders. What a sacrifice, in the name of – what is your name again? Oh yes! Merchants of death, that’s it!

Your enslavement of women and children is also particularly laudable. Who could possibly take issue with that noblest of tasks? Enslave the weak, what a concept! Good for you!

And of course, as you spread your poison – pardon, your enlightenment – across the world, your plan to kill all ‘apostates’ and ‘infidels’ – i.e., everybody who disagrees with you, basically – now that is pure brilliance.

Is it too late for me to sign up? No? Okay, save a spot for me. Wait – in your slave harem? Hmm… Let me think about that. But in the meantime…

Don’t let me stop you on your march to oblivion.