This is a modest tribute to my sweet, wise mother, who passed away almost ten years ago. I miss her every day.
1977. “Come on, Ell,” my mom said. “You can do it.” And with that, she gave me an encouraging little nudge toward the car. The Dodge Dart sat there gleaming nonchalantly in the driveway, as it had for almost a year since my marriage fell apart. It didn’t seem to care that it wasn’t being driven, so why should my mom?
Sigh. “Ma,” I told her for the umpteenth time, “I can’t. I’m too nervous. It’s been way too long.” I had stopped driving when my daughter was a baby, nine years before. I couldn’t cope with the ordeal of being a brand-new, still-terrified driver with a squalling infant in the car seat behind me, too far away to be comforted. So I simply stopped driving and developed better relationships with bus drivers.
But the longer I spent out of the driver’s seat, the more entrenched my lack of confidence became. And now I was in the silly situation of owning a perfectly fine vehicle as part of a marital separation agreement, but never using it.
I glared at the car. It seemed to mock me, no, dare me. My mom and I were about to leave to pick up my son from kindergarten… but as I headed for the passenger side, my mom stood between the car and me. “Not this time. Go over there,” she nodded to the driver’s side.
“I caaan’t,” I wailed. “I’m too scared!”
She wasn’t buying this. She led me around the front of the car, opened the door and – gently, mind you – shoved me in, coaxing all the while, “You can do it. If I can do it, you can do it. I’ll help you.”
I gave up. Turning the key, I shook my head in despair. I couldn’t believe she was forcing me to do this awful thing. Couldn’t she see how frightened I was? What kind of a mother was she, anyway!
I slowly inched back out of the driveway, as if to my doom. And that’s when my mom metamorphosed into a bona fide driving coach with the patience of Job and then some. Because all during the ten-minute trip (it seemed a lot longer, I swear), paying no heed to my white knuckles and protestations of fear, she kept up a soft, encouraging patter: “You’re doing all right, you’re doing great… See? That was a perfect turn! Of course you were rusty before. But it all comes back. Wonderful… That was fabulous… We’re almost there… one more turn…” …encouraging, praising, cajoling. And at the end, when we finally got there, she couldn’t resist a sort of little I-told-you-so… which I must say I didn’t really mind.
“I knew you could do it,” she said sweetly, with a twinkle in her eye.
Crossed Eyes and Dotted Tees 
Love this. Your mom was a very special woman. I am so glad she was a part of my life when I needed someone like her. I miss her too.
LikeLiked by 1 person
How lucky we were, that she had plenty of love to go around!
LikeLike
Isn’t anxiety a strange animal? For me, driving is one of the few things I can do that thoroughly calms me. I can focus directly on something, and that intense level of focus keeps me from dwelling on all the What Ifs that usually swirl through my head when I’m less focused. (An idle brain is the devil’s playground and all.) I think it’s partly because I’ve been in two major car accidents in my life where I was in the passenger’s seat watching the car get T-boned. I think being in the driver’s seat gives me a sense of control over the situation.
I guess it’s just proof that one woman’s zen is another’s nightmare. I hope you’ve maintained your confidence as a motorist!
LikeLiked by 1 person
(BTW I notice you are making your way back through all my posts! Carry on! Geez you’re gonna soon hit the beginning – I just started at the end of June. I’m gonna have to write more!! Aieee!!)
LikeLike
So true, it gives u a sense of control. I can well imagine that after the horrors u went through, the driver’s seat would be far more enticing than the one next to it. It’s also a metaphor, isn’t it.
“One woman’s zen is another’s nightmare” – ha, I like that! BTW I’m totally over that driving anxiety as in this article. Well, unless it’s night and I’m in unfamiliar territory. Another metaphor! haha!
BTW #2, for me, tennis is my mode of laser-focusing. All else falls away when I’m playing; I love it! Unfortunately I’m screwed when it rains. And in winter. 😛 (I used to play indoors but can’t afford it now. Boo.)
LikeLike
What a great mom!!! I do understand the driving fear. Until I moved to California I was too scared to drive on a highway, then we moved to Cali and I have to drive on the FREEWAY 30 miles each way back and forth between home and campus. WITH my 2 year old daughter in the car. I had to put myself away and take on another persona at first.
LikeLiked by 1 person
OH. MY. GOD. My panic breathing quickened when I read this. Have I mentioned my highway phobia? 😬 Happened in the 80s.
So glad you got through all that – you deserve to feel very proud of yourself!! Brava!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yeah I just moved forward and ignored myself. Only because I wanted grad school so bad!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I get it. I do. 🥲
LikeLiked by 1 person