At last! The sequel to my helpful articles, “How to be a Rotten Teacher” and “How to be a Rotten Doctor”* is here! It takes practice and willpower for a boss to reach the heights (depths?) of the truly terrible. But if you learn these skills, one fine day you’ll join their ranks.

• Never make eye contact with your staff.

They might take this as permission to ask you something. And you might not know the answer! Better to avoid. Just walk past them. It’s best to let them think they don’t matter enough to be seen by you. Also: Never smile.

• Never remember names.

Again – they are not important – obviously not as important as you, since you’re the one with the big office with all those windows. Who cares what names they go by, as long as they do their work and do it properly!

• Be inaccessible.

Best to keep your door closed. You are so far above these lowlifes; who wants to have them popping in on you at all times of the day? You are far too busy for chatting. If it’s something work-related, let them make an appointment with your assistant. Also: Never use the lunch room. And if they happen to catch you en route somewhere, be in a rush! Related: Ignore staff emails.

• Alter your moods haphazardly.

This one’s especially fun. Make sure your employees never know what to expect when they see you. Sometimes be (a tiny bit) friendly. Other times, be brusque. Practise eye rolls until you can do them perfectly. You’ll know you’re doing all of this right when even you get confused, thinking, “How am I feeling now, anyway?!”

• Be critical.

You don’t want them to think too much of themselves. Best to point out their mistakes as often as possible. And if they haven’t goofed in a while, it won’t hurt to remind them of their last error, just to make sure they don’t get over-confident. Who knows where that will lead!

• Avoid anything resembling “staff development.”

Staff members are all inferior to you in every way. You certainly don’t want them to entertain any ideas of one day surpassing you. Ha ha! As if!

• Make them competitors, not “team” members.

Remember: a “team” is a group of lowly workers who might gang up and turn against you! Avoid at all costs! The best way of doing this is to keep them off balance, nervous, and suspicious of each other. They’re not to be friends! This isn’t a day care, as you’re fond of saying!

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If you diligently apply these techniques, you will surely succeed at being a rotten boss where many others have failed. Good luck!

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* My article, “How to be a Rotten Doctor,” was published in Chronically Canadian magazine, 2006. Sadly now defunct. (And no wonder: it was truly an objet d’art: glistening pages, thick paper stock, beautifully designed. Too expensive… also, perhaps too niche. 😪)

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This piece was inspired (with a healthy dollop of irony) by a wonderful infographic seen on LinkedIn.com, included in a post by Dr. Nora Gold about what makes a great leader. This is the amazing graphic: