Colds. We’re all too familiar with the usual trajectory: sore throat → sneezing → cough… and sometimes all at the same time. No year would be complete without the Christmas Cold. Having just gone through one of these winter-wonder specials, I thought I’d share some of the balms I found most helpful with you, dear readers.

• Hall’s cherry-flavoured throat lozenges. Not to be confused with the much stronger flavours they come in. No, you’re after the cherry taste, as it equates with the soothing echoes of childhood… back when Mom cured all ills. Which leads me to…
• Jello. Again, preferably cherry. Strawberry will do, in a pinch. But definitely NOT lime, orange, or anything yellow. Trust me.
• Tea. With honey. Preferably not too hot. You don’t want to aggravate your tender throat which already feels like the home of a five-alarm fire.
• More Jello. You will not really feel like eating anything else. Why not? Simple: everything tastes like cardboard and has the consistency of cotton.
• Acetaminophen. For the fever…which you most likely don’t have. It may feel like you do, but nine times out of ten you don’t. Take it anyway. You’ll feel better. Trust me, again.

Yep, we can all relate!
Photo (cc) by Allan Foster

• Chicken soup. The steam is somewhat soothing. If you have none on hand, and no partner or friend to run and get you some, why not have more Jello!
• After a couple of days your nose will begin to feel congested, and then comes the real fun: the sneezing. Hopefully you stocked up on tissues, the softest kind you can afford, since your last cold. If not – your nose will never forgive you. (“Bathroom tissue” can be tough on tender nostrils after days of rubbing.)
• Cold tablets – they’re probably not too much better than a placebo, but if that’s what it takes, go for it! I tried one brand, and I think all it did was increase my Kleenex-tissue consumption. Your recliner is now surrounded by wads of used tissues, like fat snowflakes… unless you keep a handy-dandy plastic bag nearby like I did, in which to stow them for later disposal when you’re feeling more human.
• Just as your sneezles start to wane, your cough revs up. And you thought your sense of taste was coming back, you silly! I found a great cough syrup that really works – the medicinal ingredient is the near-unpronouncable chlophedianol hydrochoride. Expensive, but who’s counting, if it lets you sleep at night.
• By now you might be a tad hungry after all that Jello. I highly recommend baked potato, don’t hold the butter and salt. Yummy. To me it’s the ultimate comfort food, since my mom used to make it for me whenever I convalesced from one of my many childhood viruses.

Congratulations! I guarantee that if you do all the steps above, your cold should be gone within seven days. Of course, as they say, if you do nothing it could take a week.