Laughter: The Universal Language – #62 | Crossed Eyes and Dotted Tees

More humour from across the pond.

😀 😀 😀

I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he’s only got one arm bless him.

I shouted, “Where you off to, Charlie?”

He said, “I’m off to change a light bulb.”

Well I just cracked up, couldn’t stop laughing, then said, “That’s gonna be a bit awkward innit?”

“Not really.” he said. “I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard.”

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Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport.

“Nationality?” asks the immigration officer.

“German,” she replies.

“Occupation?

“No, just here for a few days.”

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As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer’s funeral,

a voice from inside screams: “I’m not dead, I’m not dead! Let me out!”

The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters,

“Too late, mate, the paperwork’s already done.”

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I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.

Or “foreplay” as she likes to call it.

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After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the missus were going to commit suicide together yesterday.

Strangely enough, however, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better.

So I thought – sod it, I’ll soldier on.

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I woke up this morning at 8 and could sense something was wrong.

I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked.

I didn’t know what to do.

Then I remembered the local café serves breakfast until 11.30.

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“Jesus Loves You.”

Nice to hear in church but not in a Mexican prison.

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Got caught having a pee in the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.

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I woke to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed

a burglar sneaking through next door’s garden.

Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly. He then began to dig a grave with the shovel.

Astonished, I got back into bed.

My wife said “Darling, you’re shaking, what is it?”

“You’ll never believe what I’ve just seen!”

“What?” she asked.

I said, “That tosser next door has still got my bloody shovel.”

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A man is seeking to join the Glasgow Police force.

The Sergeant doing the interview says: “Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted.”

Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says: “Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six extremists, and a rabbit.”

The man being interviewed asks, “Why the rabbit?”

“Excellent,” says the Sergeant. “When can you start?”