Laughter: The Universal Language – #5

Here are some funny quotes for your reading (and LOLing) pleasure. Many are NSFW, so you have been warned! Many thanks to Gemma Forliano who emailed these to me.

Photo (cc) by Chi Wai Un

Great Quotes of a Sexual Nature by Famous Folks

“There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 560SL.”
*Lynn Lavner

“Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.”
*George Burns

“Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.”
*Sharon Stone

“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.”
*Jack Nicholson

“Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.”
* Robin Williams

“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.”
*Billy Crystal

“According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, whereas, of course, men are just grateful.”
*Robert De Niro

“There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So… what’s the problem?”
*Dustin Hoffman

“There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men think, ‘I know what I’m doing. Just show me somebody naked!’”
*Jerry Seinfeld

“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.”
*Robin Williams

“It’s been so long since I’ve had sex, I’ve forgotten who ties up whom.”
*Joan Rivers

“Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.”
* Steve Martin

” You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life.”
* Emo Phillips

” Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.”
*Oscar Wilde

” It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.”
*George Burns

8 thoughts on “Laughter: The Universal Language – #5

  1. Pretty good. Now, here’s one…

    An elderly couple were in the grocery store and the wife was caught shoplifting. They went to court and Husband was there when Wife went before the judge. The judge asked her, “What did you steal?” She responded, “I stole a can of peaches.” Judge asked, “How many peaches were in the can?” The wife told him there were 6 peaches in the can. Judge explained he was going to sentence her days according the number of peaches in the can. Just as he was about to render her time, Husband stood up and said, “Your Honor, she stole a can of peas too.”

    Liked by 2 people

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