Toddler Gun Tips

Hi, little boys and girls in the USA! Here are your gun tips of the day, summed up in wee pint-sized tidbits for you.

• Some of you may have lost your big brothers or sisters lately to a mad shooter in their schools. Not to worry. The NRA says it’s not the guns’ fault.
• It’s the fault of the crazy shooters, who can legally buy military-type assault weapons…
• …even though these people are nuts and everybody around them knows it, due to their prominent social-media threats.
• Never take the handgun from your daddy’s nightstand drawer. He needs it to defend your family. DON’T POINT IT AT THE BABY!!!! PUT IT DOWN!!!!
• It’s all right. It wasn’t your fault. You didn’t like him much anyway.
• Mommy’s gun in her purse? Off limits! No no, PUT IT BACK!!!! Whew! Good girl. Close call, that time!
• Ohhh, see daddy’s gun collection, all nice and shiny in their cases, locked up? That’s safer, right? I wonder how long it’ll take daddy to get to the case, unlock it, choose a gun, load it, and get back to the front door as the armed robbers are breaking in…
• …so that he can defend your family…
• Too late! Your family’s all dead now. The robbers had guns too. Everybody had guns. Isn’t that nice? Yay for the NRA!
• Ouch! Your little friend Tommy shot you in the chest! But it’s okay. It was an accident. It’s not the gun’s fault. It’s not the NRA’s fault. It’s Tommy’s fault. He’s a bad, bad little boy.
• If you survive that sucking chest wound, your Uncle Ned will take you hunting. He’ll show you how to blow a deer’s brains out…
• A beautiful deer who’s not hurting anyone and just wants to get back to feed her wee baby. Remember the Bambi story? Her baby’s like that.
• Aw, but then Bambi won’t have a mommy anymore? It’s okay, tomorrow Uncle Ned will show you how to blow away Bambi, too!
• Sweet dreams, pumpkin!

That’s all the gun tidbits for today, little toddlers. This feature will return with more tips as soon as necessary… probably while you’re all still toddlers. Isn’t that great?