Some chuckles for a moody Monday… 😃

• I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
• I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
• My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
• I’m so good at sleeping. I can do it with my eyes closed.
• My boss told me to have a good day… so I went home.
• Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands.
• A woman walks into a library and asks if they have any books about paranoia. The librarian says “They’re right behind you!”
• The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.
• When you look really closely, all mirrors look like eyeballs.
• My friend says to me: “What rhymes with orange” I said: “No it doesn’t.”
• What do you call a guy with a rubber toe? Roberto.
• What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Aye matey.
• My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
• Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.
• I ate a clock yesterday, it was very time consuming.
• Whaddya call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope.
• A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.
• I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work.
• What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
• Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up? Because it was two tired!
• Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.