OK, so it was time for my second colonoscopy. (def.: Colonoscopy, n. – an examination of the colon by means of a flexible fiberoptic instrument [colonoscope] passed through the rectum.) Oh, I forgot to tell you – don’t read this while you’re eating. 😂

There was really no pressing problem that necessitated this invasion of my lower G.I. tract – unless you count the fact that if cancer was silently developing in my innards, I could die from it. So my doctor dutifully referred me for the procedure (hereafter more accurately called “the invasion”). It was better than dying… but still not much fun.

I actually had this thing done about twenty-five years ago, but forgot how it went, and anyway I was sure they’d streamlined the process since then. (Har!)

First things first. According to the several pages of instructions the clinic office emailed me, I was not to have any solid food during the 24 hours before “the invasion.” So: apple juice, clear broth, etc. By the way, have you ever noticed how apple juice looks disconcertingly like something else, in a glass? But I digress.

Hungry as I was, I dreamed of dropping a dress size… although I almost never wear dresses. I also dreamed of these, sadly:

What can I say? I have a sweet tooth.

But the most disconcerting thing of all was, you have to drink FOUR LITRES OF COLYTE – “Colyte is indicated for bowel cleansing prior to examination (e.g. colonoscopy) or surgical procedures requiring a clean colon.” Colyte consists of polyethylene glycol and electrolytes. Doesn’t that sound like windshield-washer fluid? For your car??

Four litres?!? YES! TWO LITRES the evening before the big day, and the other TWO LITRES starting four hours before “the invasion”! One glassful every 10 minutes! What did it taste like? Mine was like water with a very faint taste of pineapple. Good thing I like pineapple. But not that much! 🤢 Oh, things were percolating in my tummy by now, let me tell you!

They warn you to have someone pick you up after “the invasion,” since you’ll be sedated. My sedation consisted of versed and fentanyl. Yes, that fentanyl: “Fentanyl is a synthetic (man-made) opioid that is more toxic than most other opioids, and can be prescribed by a physician to help control severe pain.” I’m assuming I had a minuscule dose. Yeah, funny that the nurse said – as she was injecting me with the sedative concoction – “Don’t scream, okay? If you feel pain… it will only be for a second.”

I promised not to scream, but I did say “ow” rather loudly at the applicable time. I have no idea what the doctor was doing to elicit that expletive from me, and frankly I’d rather not know. She was nice, though. When she asked me beforehand if I had any allergies, and I told her “just kiwi,” she laughed. Kiwi was most definitely not served with my colonoscopy.

All in all, it’s probably a good thing I had this “invasion.” From what I can decipher in the doctor’s report – she has a typical physician’s hieroglyphic-like handwriting – she had removed a “tiny polyp” for the lab to check. She told me she wasn’t “concerned” about it. Good. Me neither.